A humbled pride

I think everyone wants to be proud of decisions they've made and things they've accomplished.

Ever since I was little I've always wanted to make wise decisions, do something that mattered with my life, and made an effort to step outside my comfort zone. I've wanted other people to be proud of me for things I've accomplished, for the things I tried to do. I want to know I'm not just another person...but someone who is viewed as valuable.
Needless to say, I've failed time and time again. While that desire is still there, though now it's slightly more dim, I just never seem to accomplish much.

Though I try and try, I fail at every attempt. Trying to make something out of my life, do something with the time I've been given that makes a difference not only in my life, but the ones around me. It's so hard though, you know?

Other than my decision to put my faith in Christ, there have only been a handful of decisions I've made that I'm proud of. I ask myself time and time again why I'm constantly staying in the same place, being so complacent with the way my life is going. Sometimes I feel my decisions, though I know are for the best in the circumstances, could have been so much better.

That's when it plagues my mind. Those two words that seem so harmless, but cause so much turmoil inside.

"WHAT IF?"

What if my life would be further along had I not done ______, or HAD decided to _____? Would I be grown more spiritually and mentally? Would my social skills be better, would I be reaching more people than I am now?

I just want to be proud of the things I've done. I want to have purpose in my life. I want to have a direction that's clear and defined. I want a path that's straight and easy to spot.

"No, that is not the plan I have for you" says God.

Oh, to know my future. It would sure put my mind to ease. To know the future, though, is not my place. It is not best for me to know everything that will happen. This point in my life, God may want me where I am, not too busy and scheduled for a reason. He may be saving the small things I'm learning now to further my life down the road. I needn't listen to everyone around me who says my life needs more, that I need to be going to college, getting a job, etc. It's not their life to rule, but God's. He alone can make my plans, He alone can direct me.

Even knowing this, I still desire to have a humbled pride. Something I've accomplished (through God's grace alone) that I can be proud of. I'm still learning, growing and trying to have the faith I need to do these things. I am still pretty clueless as to what lies ahead in my life, but...somehow knowing God is the one leading, and not me, it puts my mind at ease some.

Sometimes results and answers aren't handed to you on a silver platter and set right in front of you. That's just the way it is. Sometimes we have to be patient.