Bumpy Roads Ahead

The past year or so has been hard. These past few months especially. I'm getting to my breaking point where I feel like I'm just a lost woman wondering around with no purpose.

Everyone has something in their life that changes the direction they were going. It's in those times when it is the most difficult to feel God, and even more so to distinguish which way is up and which is down.

I'm tired of the nightmares, the bombarding questions about school and my "plan" for my life (as if I even know); I'm tired of the stress, depression and the pain. I want tears to flow and release some of the emotions I have built up in my heart. I just want to get away from everything except God for a few years.

I tell myself what I tell other people going through similar situations; God has a purpose for everything that's happening, even in the midst of your mess, God still has it all under control. It's just not the same hearing it from myself and my family nowadays. I'm at the end of my rope, trying to hold on. God is the only comforter for me now, and I can feel Him working, I honestly can. It's just all of the other voices from people around me that are filling my head along with His voice.

For reasons only God knows, my healing process has been slower than I'd hoped. I have such a long way to go before my heart is better. I know God heals broken hearts, and even though the scars will always be there, He can make them hardly noticeable if He so chooses.

But, O God, it is hard waiting for that day. It is so hard pushing through each day, working through the sadness and twists of my life's new path. A path I'm still not sure where it leads. I'm at a point of desperation, Lord. I need Your comfort now more than ever before; I need Your healing power to come and cleanse this messed up life I've created.

Choices, mistakes, I've made. God they haunt me around every corner and I just don't know how to handle them anymore. Help me, please, to hand all of them over to You. Help me let go of everything in me, the hurt and the pain; the aching and the tears. God they need to be Yours alone so they can become part of my praises to You and not a cry of hopelessness. In YOU alone I have hope, in YOU alone I have never ending love and acceptance. In all things, Lord, let me praise You and come to You with all that burdens my heart and soul.

YOU are my God.
YOU are my King.
YOU are my Peace.
YOU are my Healer.
YOU are my Savior.
YOU are my Father.
YOU are my Strength.
YOU are my Protector.

In YOU alone I find what I so desperately need; grace, love, protection, peace.

This song has been playing a lot lately and it so fits how I feel.

"Everything inside me cries for order. Everything inside me wants to hide.
Is this shadow an angel or a warrior? If God is pleased with me, why I am I so terrified? Someone tell me I am only dreaming. Somehow help me see with Heaven’s eyes. And before my head agrees, my heart is on its knees. Holy is He. Blessed am I.
I am not brave, I’ll never be. The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy.
I’m just a girl, nothing more. But I am willing, I am Yours." (By:Francesca Battistelli)

Today, this is where my healing starts. It all begins here and now.

Jesus I pray You will give me the strength I need to get through every day and it's challenges. I pray for patience with people, love to my enemies, forgiveness to those who haven't asked of it, and peace for my broken heart.

Amen.