We all have things in our life we wish we could go back and fix or have the opportunity to make different decisions. We all have broken pieces rattling around inside of us.
Sometimes the broken pieces of my life are just so overwhelming I don't know what to do or where to go. I begin thinking of all I have messed up on and put myself in a place that is so low that nobody could understand what I'm feeling; nobody could understand the pain.
My solution, even since I was 9 years old, has been to just end my life. I didn't want anything to do with people because everyone knows people hurt you. "Trusting only ends with pain" I told myself. On and on it went, me hiding and causing myself pain, pain that nobody could give me the words of encouragement I needed, no matter how sincere or how much they love me. They just didn't get it.
This past year I went through something that was the second most painful, confusing, life shattering thing I have ever experienced. I felt so alone, even with my family standing there right beside me, holding me close and encouraging me. "Again" someone that meant the world to me was gone in the blink of an eye. Through that time before they were gone, my old habit came back and the only thing I could think of was that I just wanted to die. Driving was the easiest way, I could do it when I was alone; I wouldn't hurt anyone but me and everyone would be happy. The ties between the two groups I loved would be gone and nobody would be hurting anymore. Ending me meant ending everyone else's hurting. Everything was just so painful; sleeping meant nightmare after nightmare and staying awake meant painful memories flashing through my head. Nothing helped, nothing soothed the pain I was feeling.
This was probably the biggest and lowest point in my life. Even though I had gone to God in all that happened, prayed to Him more than I ever have, I didn't have my trust placed fully in Him. For that time, I had put my trust, love and dreams in the hands of a person more than I did God.
When God knows we are drifting from Him, He will do what it takes to bring us back. In my case, it was dropping me to the lowest point at this time in my life. I was in a mess; I WAS a mess.
That whole time, God was there. He was beside me, begging me to let Him have all of my pain, brokenness and heartache. I wasn't handing it to Him because my pride said "I want to fix this on my own." I was looking at God, but I was focused on the person in front of me as I let go of them and they walked away. I watched my dreams, hopes and future leave my life and I felt like I had nothing left.
This, my friends, though incredibly painful, is a beautiful place to be. When you have what you feel is everything torn from your life, it makes you focus on the ONE thing that is left: God. The powerful, forgiving, gracious, loving God standing there with open arms just waiting for you to run to Him. Like a father who has had their child taken from him for a long time and finally gets them back. He embraces us with nothing but love.
This is not a sob story; this is not a "let's have a pity party on me" story. I want this to be a story of encouragement for those who have been broken and hurt. I want you to know that you will NEVER be alone. You will never be too far for God to reach. No matter what you have done, where you have been, what you've seen or what you have said...God still wants you. His love is there for you if you'll just reach out.
It is people like YOU that have been broken so far that can do so much more for the cause of Christ. You can reach people that others couldn't. Someone who has never suffered can't empathize with someone who has gone through deep heartache. But YOU can! Take what has happened to you and run with it; run to the people who need you. You are an inspiration to people who don't think they have anything left to give.
Life is hard, it is just that simple. It is even harder when you have people who turn on you or beat you down with harsh words. You just have to keep going. The only thing that can keep you going is Jesus. Take a hold of HIS love. Never forget HIS promises. Receive HIS forgiveness. People hold grudges and will attempt to drag you down with lies that you will never amount to anything...but you mustn't listen to their voice. Listen only to the "voice of TRUTH" which is only God's. I love the quote that says, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Don't let people tell you who you are; don't let people define what your life should look like. Let God mold your life, and once He is complete, never look back or let anyone tell you that you need to be different.
We are the Broken, He is the Healer.
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