As I closed my journal, filling page after page with words of confusion...I wondered if I'll ever be able to change. If everyone's opinion about me is the same.
-No job
-No college plans
-Not many talents
-Failed relationships
-No future to be seen
I wonder if I made a fatal mistake somewhere that has led me to where I am today. Looking around at all my friends and family, as they succeed and move up in the world...I wonder where I went wrong. I ask myself over and over why I'm not there; why I'm always so afraid to start or finish anything.
None of these question have an answer yet. I've asked them for years and years and I've never found an answer. Today, however, I have begun to understand.
What everyone else's life looks like is not what my life SHOULD look like. I have yet to see where my life is headed, but I think God is still trying to repair me. I can't begin to grow like I want until the damage I've done on myself and my heart has begun to heal. I see that now. When people think I'm too afraid to do something, they need to look in my heart first. If I'm not doing it simply because I'm afraid, God will eventually give me the courage to go through with whatever it is I fear. If, however, I truly feel God telling me to wait, then people need to understand that. Just because I'm good at something doesn't mean I need to go get a job doing that; just because I do it on my own frequently doesn't mean I need to go get a degree in that area. Most of the time that won't make a difference at all and I will just be miserable.
I know a lot of people think I'm scared of just about everything...but believe me, I am pushing past those fears quickly. I've finally realized that if God wants me to do something, there's no way I CAN'T do it. Like my friend Travis says, God doesn't want me to just step outside my comfort zone, He wants me to step out of it so He can destroy it and watch me keep walking.
I feel like I am still a little kid who is very confused, fearful, shy and broken...but when God looks down at me He doesn't see that. He's sees His own perfectly imperfect, beautiful creation. I may not ever be that special to anyone here on earth, but I will never mean any less than that to my Savior.
I know God has His reasons for the things that He allows to happen to me, even if I feel like they are too heavy and I will break under the weight of them. He is there every step of the way, taking MY burdens, pains, broken pieces, broken heart, failures, faults and mistakes... washing them all with His blood...and handing back to me a white robe completely cleansed with His love.
"Love of My life look deep in My eyes, there you will find what you need. Give Me your life, the lust and the lies, the past you're afraid I might see. You've been running away from Me.
You're My beloved, lover I'm yours. Death shall not part us, it's you I died for. For better or worse, forever we'll be, My love it unites us, and it binds you to Me. It's a mystery.
Love of My life, look deep in My eyes, there you will find what you need. I'm the giver of life, I'll cloth you in white, My immaculate bride you will be. Oh come running home to Me.
You're my beloved, lover I'm yours. Death shall not part us, it's you I died for. For better or worse, forever we'll be, My love it unites us, and it binds you to Me. It's a mystery." -"My Beloved" by: Tenth Avenue North
He has a plan far better than anyone else has for me. Plain and simple. I need to be who I am, unafraid of what others think or say about me. Unafraid of failing, but going for whatever God puts in my way. There is no power greater than My God.
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