"So you thought you had to keep this up, all the work that you do so we think that you're good. And you can't believe it's not enough, all the walls you built up
are just glass on the outside.
So let 'em fall down. There's freedom waiting in the sound. When you let your walls fall to the ground, we're here now.
This is where the healing begins. This is where the healing starts. When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark.
Afraid to let your secrets out. Everything that you hide can come crashing through the door now. But too scared to face all your fear, so you hide but you find that the shame won't disappear.
So let it fall down, there's freedom waiting in the sound. When you let your walls fall to the ground we're here now.
This is where the healing begins. This is where the healing starts. When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark.
Sparks will fly as grace collides. With the dark inside of us, so please don't fight
this coming light. Let this blood come cover us, His blood can cover us."
("Healing Begins" Tenth Avenue North)
You know, no matter how much I try to be good, all the works and things I can do on my own to try and make a difference...none of it will do any good. Apart from Christ, I cannot do "good." I've built up so many walls through the years...trying to hide myself from those around me so they can't see where my weaknesses lie, so they can't see my faults, so I can't be rejected for the mistakes I make. Over the past two years I've had so many people come break my walls down... People think I've changed, that I'm not who I once was. The truth is that I am the same person I have always been. Yes, I've grown and found out more about myself that I myself never knew, but I am the same Jessica I have always been. Once I let walls fall down that I'd built up, I simply let others see how human I am and that I, too, am sinful and make many many mistakes. When I was always quiet, I couldn't really get in trouble that often...the more I do and the more I say, the more I'll make mistakes, but it also means I will be growing and learning more.
I care about people more, because I can see hurts. When I didn't want to be around anyone, I couldn't see how people around me were struggling. The walls were not only hurting me, and holding me back from being who God created me to be, but they were also keeping other people from having someone to listen to them, pray for their needs, and just be a friend who was there. Yes, I am totally different than who I used to be...but I am still the same person. I still like the same things (and more things!). It's absolutely amazing how God can change a person SO much, and still keep them that same special person He made them to be. Jessica is still here. People who knew me years ago and those who know me now would think I'm a totally different person...but it's really that, now, I try to let them see more of Christ and who I have been all along.
God has used me in many ways. Not only to be there for other people, but He has brought many, many people into my life that I so needed. They broke my walls down, popped my bubbles, helped me see who "Jessica" really was. They helped me become the person I was meant to be. They encouraged me, they told me to not think of myself as a mistake. They helped boost my self-esteem to a point where I am more confidant in myself, but more importantly, in God. I know He didn't accidentally make me. And I know He has some kind of plan for my life, even if I can't see the whole picture right now.
So, to those who have blessed me, been there for me, heard my pity parties, let me cry on their shoulder, listened when I was angry, helped me when I was sad, encouraged me when I was going down, lifted me up when I was too weak to do so myself, showed me how much I can accomplish if I believe I CAN do something (instead of simply not trying). To those special people God put in my life that will forever be a part of me...I thank you from the bottom of my heart. For helping me when I had no desire to help myself. For being there even when I was a pain and made some of the worst mistakes...It's meant the world to me.
These walls you helped me break down will not be put back up. I will keep relying on God to help me grow. I will try to remember it's not about what other people think about me, but what God thinks. I will be *me*...who God created me to be..no matter what others want me to be.
The bible tells us that God made each of us. That means a thought went into each and every person here on this earth. No two people are exactly alike (thank goodness, I don't think even *I* could handle another Jessica) and each and every one of us has a special purpose. One person might be called to be a missionary, while another is called to stay right where they are and minister to homeless people. Another might have a totally different plan...helping those who nobody thinks about. Someone might be called to be wealthy, so there can be one to reach those who aren't around the same class as those who don't have as much.
"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. " -Psalm 139:14-16
"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." -Ephesians 2:10
So in encouragement to you, dear readers. Never give up on life. Never give up that you are special, that you are loved and thought about. Never forget you have a purpose in life, and never forget the love which God has shown you when you felt alone and unloved. The things we go through make us who we are. We go through trials and hardships, yes, but they can make such huge openings into other people's lives that otherwise wouldn't have had someone to talk. We don't just go through hard times because God wants to punish us. I truly believe with all my heart that we go through things to grow, and in time, be able to help others through similar circumstances.
Do not be discouraged. This is my prayer for you:
"Therefore we also pray always for you that our God would count you worthy of this calling, and fulfill all the good pleasure of His goodness and the work of faith with power, that the name of our Lord Jesus Christ may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." -2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
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