Still A Caterpillar

The older I get, the more I look back on my life and see everything I've done with a more understanding view. My life has been a mess. I am very grateful for everything I've been blessed with, but I have made major mistakes, I have hurt and been hurt. The one thing I've learned; through it all God has loved me every second.

I remember from the time I was about 8 until I turned 18, I always thought I would die from some awful disease before my 18th birthday. Don't ask me why, I just always thought I was going to die. As years passed, because I put myself in the position as such a hermit, I prayed that God would LET me have some sort of disease if I hadn't died by 18 (or wasn't married by 20.)

It's funny how things can change, isn't it? All my prayers for God to make me sick or take me home have now become prayers of thanks for letting me live the life He has so graciously given me. Even when I was little and thought of taking my own life. Thinking back, it was very selfish. This life I live isn't mine to take... or any other persons for that matter. It's God's. The only way I will leave this earth now is if God decides it's time for me to go.

"for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:"
(Philippians 4:11)

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."
(Job 1:21)

No matter what we have or don't have, we should always be content because whatever we do have is a blessing from God. It is all His anyway, so if He chooses to take it from us He has the right to do so. Whether it be material things, friends or family. We won't always understand why things happen, but some day we will be able to look back and realize there was a greater plan for it all.

I have learned many a lesson over a few years as a late teen. There have been things I was upset about and hurt by that people said to/about me that I later saw truth to. There can be a lot of beating up on oneself over things done poorly. I have said and done things that I am not proud of, and I would be in a pretty bad position had I not had the Lord there with me and forgiving me. He has helped me through it, cleaned my heart again and again...and most of all, forgiven me for my wrong doings. My heart is sinful, my flesh IS weak. The only way I can even show good in my life is through Christ Jesus shining through my life. Unfortunately, I don't always let Him shine. I dirty up my heart and cover His love with my own selfish thoughts and actions. My prayer is that He will always turn me back to Him and cleanse my heart of everything "Jessica" and make it all "Jesus." He is good all the time, and never anything but good even when I am unworthy.

I once thought I had finally turned into a butterfly...a long time coming since I've lived most of my life tucked away in a cocoon. But the more I see of my life, the more I see I am still just a caterpillar trying desperately to become a beautiful butterfly. I still have things to conquer, people to meet, and weeds to pull from my life. But let me tell you, when God breaks a person down to where there is nothing left but Him, it is a beautiful thing to see, and I pray He will continue to break me and chisel away anything in my life not living for Him.

So this is my prayer, of Lord. That You would keep my heart clean; that I would follow You wherever You lead me no matter how difficult. That You would shine forth from me and show the world Your love through one more person. That I would repent where I have done wrong, and praise You for what You do each and every day. No matter what people say about me or do to me, I would still show them Your love, and Yours alone, because You ARE worthy of everything I have.