Painful growing and learning

"Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."

It's so nice having been forgiven for everything I've done...and even things that I will do in the future of my life. But there are so many times when I do things that I DO know what I'm doing. I'm grumpy, mean, hateful and hurtful. I say things knowing full well what I'm doing, then use the excuse when I apologize that I "didn't mean to." I meant to, plain and simple. I can apologize, but there's no way around what I did on purpose.

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing. But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised." -Proverbs 31:30

I've messed up so many times in my life; I've never been a fantastic person. People only see my actions, not my heart. I DO hold bitterness. It's VERY hard for me to say I'm sorry selflessly. I tend to do what is best for "me" even if it's at the expense of someone else. I wonder quite often if I will ever learn. I constantly think to myself how God can truly love me. I start learning my lesson, then go back into old habits. I'm absolutely ashamed by the things I do sometimes.

But, right when I think I won't ever learn after doing the same things over and over, or that I can't be loved with my mistakes, God takes a hold of my heart and turns my eyes heavenward. He tells me how much He loves me, how many times He will forgive me...even when I make the worst of mistakes. He tells me that, even though I'm far from perfect, He still has a plan for my life. He warns me that it will be hard, I will be ridiculed, disliked, defriended and even hated. Yet He offers me that plan all the same.

I think to myself how much I feel I have gone through; all the hurts and scars I have. I tell myself that God couldn't possibly have a plan for me, because I'm too broken and sinful. Then He wraps me up in His love again and tells me that I am not worthless, that He died for me and my sins. He died for all of my mistakes and brokenness. He reminds me that it is when I am weak, He can show how HE is strong. I could choose a life without love, one with guilt and the feeling of misery, but the one with God is my choice. Even if it means I will be hurt more. Because now I will constantly be reminded that no matter what happens to me, or what I do, God loves me and always will.

"My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." -Psalm 73:26

"Love of my life look deep in My eyes, there you will find what you need.
Give Me your life, the lust and the lies, the past you're afraid I might see.
You've been running away from Me.

You're my beloved. Lover I'm yours. Death shall not part us, It's you I died for.
For better or worse, forever we'll be. My love it unites us, and it binds you to Me.
It's a mystery.

Love of my life look deep in My eyes, there you will find what you need. I'm the giver of life I'll clothe you in white, My immaculate bride you will be.
Oh come running home to me.

You're My beloved. Lover I'm yours. And death shall not part us, It's you I died for. For better or worse, forever we'll be. My Love it unites us, and it binds you to me." ("Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North)

I am but a lowly person in God's big plan for life. Yet He chose to let me follow Him, knowing full well that I would mess up and even disgrace His name sometimes. I know I am not loving to people as I should, I know I have hurt many people, some of which I won't have the chance to apologize to. But I can repent to God, and receive His forgiveness because honestly, it might be humanly impossible for those others to forgive me. I do pray that God would keep cleansing my heart though. I pray when I fail Him and others, that He will bring me to a low low place and to my knees until I realize I've done wrong. Just because I know He will forgive me over and over and over doesn't mean I can do anything my flesh wishes to do and just go back and apologize for it. My flesh is so very weak. Only through God's strength can I overcome the desires of my fleshly body. I won't ever be perfect until I get to heaven, but each and every day I can strive to be more like my Savior, Jesus.

Dear Lord, I pray You would teach me the way to a loving heart; one that forgives without ceasing. I pray for a cleansed heart every single day of the things Satan tries to have me hold against those around me. I pray for a peaceful mind, one that is constantly on You and You alone. I pray you would grow me in You, and tear out all that is me from me. Put You, Lord, in my heart and life so I will be able to love others as You would love them. Amen.